Like most people with an unhealthy obsession with horror movies, I’ve always considered myself a fan of the Alien franchise. Even if I felt lukewarm about the 2010-era prequel-duology and David Fincher’s hot mess of a third film, these movies - particularly Alien and Aliens -  have always held a soft spot in my heart. I’ve always found them to be dependable regarding blockbuster filmmaking, if not largely ahead of the curve despite my qualms with the lesser of these entries. The problem with much of the extended franchise, however, is that they’re so underdeveloped from a writing perspective. These films have big budgets and auteur directors, but something in between gets mangled along the way, and Alien: Romulus is, unfortunately, no exception. Despite a strong start, Romulus makes a cavalcade of questionable choices, simultaneously building on and detracting from the Alien mythos.

After being blown away by Fede Álvarez's re-imagining of Sam Raimi’s The Evil Dead, I had high expectations from such a talented filmmaker working on an Alien film. It seemed like a faultless pairing, but Romulus ultimately fails to capitalize on the best that the brand or the filmmaker have to offer. Alvarez's Evil Dead was so disgustingly (and delightfully) violent, whereas I barely flinched while watching Romulus. And the desirably nasty moments that do exist are all edited in quick cuts so that what actually happens is barely discernible. What we’re given in Romulus is a far cry from the visceral violence in Prometheus and Covenant, never offering anything as innovatively gross as, say, when a slimy baby xenomorph climbs its way out of some poor soul’s spine in Covenant. As a guy who likes his horror movies extra bloody, I felt especially unsatisfied and find it unacceptable when the mediocre Alien spinoffs are nastier than the one from an Evil Dead alumnus.

The horror elements of Romulus pale in comparison to both prior entries or even in Alvarez’s own previous films. Not one moment in Romulus holds a candle to the unrelenting nature of Evil Dead, and so much of the film feels like a rehash of everything that’s come before in the Alien franchise. We’re given the same beats that we’re always given: themes of female autonomy, corporate greed, a badass female lead in a tank top, and immaculate set design, but it’s all what you’ve come to expect from Alien. Romulus has all of the bells and whistles that the Alien films are known for, but merely uses them to create yet another forgettable Alien film.

Narratively speaking, maybe there’s a bright side to Fede Alvarez not reinventing the wheel here - cherished aspects of Alien remain present and relevant for future (and hopefully better) Alien films. But being so excited for a new and fresh direction in this franchise, perhaps my mistake was approaching Romulus with enthusiasm for the evolution of the Alien property under the oversight of a respectable horror filmmaker. Instead, the story we’re subjected to comes off like the smug curl of the monkey’s paw, but the only part that really curls is the middle finger.

Even if Alvarez didn’t deliver as much as I wanted him to, it’s no secret that his steady hand is easily the best part of the whole movie. Alvarez commits to genuinely staggering degrees of directorial prowess, especially with the heavy reliance on practical effects. That said, there is one decision regarding CGI that put an extremely sour taste in my mouth. Without spoiling much, I was hoping that Hollywood had moved past resurrecting dead actors with uncanny CGI abominations, but Romulus shows this is not the case. What’s even worse is that this decision is more than just an off-hand cameo, it’s an integral part of the plot. I have the capacity to forgive and forget a decision with fleeting impact, but there is so much emphasis on this character that it becomes increasingly hard to ignore. At least the recent Predator prequel, Prey, was able to commit to fan service with a little more subtlety.

Yet, even with all of these issues, the core dilemma with Romulus is that it’s not a standalone film as marketing might imply. Instead, it chooses to extrapolate the vibes of the first Alien and Aliens while also attempting to tie the narratives of Prometheus and Covenant into a nice little parcel of Alien lore and in the end, it all proves to be too much for this film. Fede Alvarez expertly captures the feeling of Ridley Scott’s first film while implementing James Cameron’s signature gravitas, but why do we need to tie this movie in with the prequel movies? If not, why not commit to it entirely? Furthermore, if we’re gonna go down the fan service route, maybe include a character from the other movies rather than reviving a dead actor with CGI? It’s these types of questions that left me puzzled and underwhelmed when the credits rolled, as I feel like the stylistic homages to Cameron and Scott were all that I needed. I didn’t need the story itself to tie into the other films in any way, but I guess that’s not the case in a Hollywood landscape where new ideas are sidelined in favor of overly familiar territory.

It’s taken me a while to write this review because I can’t even type ten words out without expelling heavy disheartened sighs, and that goes to show how immeasurably frustrated I am by the final product of Romulus. I’m sure there are Alien fans who will have a blast with this one - if cameos, lore expansion, and easter eggs are your thing - then this is your movie. But as someone who loves and expects quality storytelling from any Alien film, I’m finding that the English language has no words that can accurately communicate my disappointment.

The performances are adequate, but there’s so little going on narratively that it’s hard to evaluate the characters at all beyond a surface-level reading and subsequent cannon fodder. Following notable performances in films like Priscilla and Civil War over the past year, Cailee Spaeny has a great turn as a leading girl in a horror film too, and her role is the most memorable performance of the film. Isabela Merced has a fair amount of screen time and is introduced with a very interesting trait for an Alien film, but even that is barely explored outside of a twist that makes another reference to Prometheus and Covenant. David Jonsson plays an incredibly interesting android character, but then the plot takes a hard turn into the same android plotlines that we’ve seen in essentially every Alien movie. Like most lower-tier Alien films, the setup for Romulus was there in spades, but the follow-through was embarrassingly underwhelming.

In all honesty, this has been one of the most painful reviews I’ve ever written, and I’m frantically pinching myself in hopes that it was all just a dream. If it wasn’t for Fede Alvarez being such an amazing filmmaker, I think Romulus would’ve come and gone in the endless sea of lazy horror remakes, prequels, sequels, and everything else in between. His outstanding direction and atmosphere carry the weight of the movie on his back, whereas everything else falls incredibly short. Romulus is not a film for me, but I hope others - perhaps more forgiving Alien fans - can appreciate Romulus much more than I do.