5/12 ForReel Score | 2.5/5 Stars

As Quentin Tarantino labors over his final film - his imitators circle the drain. British playwright Martin McDonagh has been one of the more tolerable fanboys. He’s particularly obsessed with the Reservoir Dogs/Pulp Fiction era“What if criminals could talk about anything?” films. To his credit, his breakout film In Bruges is better than both. With Wild Horse Nine, McDonagh delivers a new take on that film’s premise now that he can capitalize on the industry clout he gained from Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri and The Banshees of Inisherin. This time: the two bickering murderers with a significant age gap and respective guilt complexes are 70s era CIA agents instead of hitmen. That’s where the originality ends.

We meet Chris (John Malkovich) and Lee (Sam Rockwell) as they decide to take a little break from overthrowing socialist governments. Chris has decided he wants to see the Easter Island heads before he dies of cancer. Fair enough. Tension between the two best buddies intensifies as Chris’ memory problems make him forget the real reason they’ve gone on this trip. Chris wants to be euthanized in front of something beautiful. However, Lee cannot alter course should Chris change his mind. The old man is working on a memoir about his various missions and that compromising information could cause an international crisis. Their boss MJ (Steve Buscemi) grows more impatient by the minute, eventually deciding to hold Lee’s sloppy wife Marge (Parker Posey) hostage as collateral.

Wild Horse Nine sells itself on the allegedly hilarious chemistry between Malkovich and Rockwell. Malkovich has attracted significant Oscar buzz, as this role is the apex of the neurotic men he’s played throughout his career. Unfortunately, these guys are completely exhausting. McDonagh spends an egregious amount of time putting the camera in front of them and just letting them pop off about some nonsense. Every scene is the same formula. Chris has an out of pocket opinion even for a fascist and Lee reacts with bemusement while still slapping his pal on the back. Despite his complex understanding of history, McDonagh’s expletive ridden dialogue makes these middle aged men sound like preteen boys who just learned what all the curse words mean. I struggle to call either performance outright bad. They are beloved character actors for a reason. However, McDonagh is the type of filmmaker who should encourage his players to try a little something different. Both of these well-trodden screen personas are on autopilot.

There’s an eerie air of empathy for these two horrible men. We’re supposed to latch onto Chris’ growing remorse for the life he’s led. It’s melancholy because he’s coming to these realizations all too late to do a thing about it. He opens up the most to Monica (Mariana di Girolamo), one of two college students the guys meet at the airport. Despite the fact that he does nothing but accost her, Monica displays a baffling level of interest in this man’s life. She becomes the sounding board for his regrets and we’re meant to make sad eyes along with her. While I don’t think McDonagh is a right winger himself, his framing of Chris does come off as fascist apologia. Despite his desire to bring the horrific actions of the CIA during this era to light, Wild Horse Nine is a sheep in wolf’s clothing. McDonagh is afraid to make any of these characters truly vile in our eyes. They are punchline dispensers and even during the most pathos driven moments - he wants us to laugh.

God forbid the women act like human beings. Mariana di Girolamo and her cohort Ailín Salas both turn in the best work they can but the roles themselves are embarrassing. For the first time in her career, Parker Posey cannot overcome this hurdle. Marge is so atrociously one-note. She’s just there to remind Lee that he has a ball and chain waiting at home. Posey plays her as a heel. Thankfully, she’s only in two scenes. This is such a consistent and exhausting trend in these Tarantino lites.

Wild Horse Nine had me sitting in stasis begging for all of these characters to shoot each other so that I could go home. McDonagh is absolutely talented but his crass urges often override any substance that his films could have otherwise. Kerry Condon’s Siobhán said it best in The Banshees of Inisherin. “One boring man! You're all fucking boring! With your piddling grievances over nothin'! You're all fucking boring!”

AFI Fest 2026 | Movie Review: "Wild Horse Nine" Should Be Put Out To Pasture